MY LATEST GIG AT WORK

Eight of the employees where I work, or approximately two-thirds of the department, have decided to participate in a department Biggest Loser Challenge. They have asked me, a non-participant, to record weekly weigh-ins, to post the percentage of weight losses or weight gains each week, and to assign secret code names to protect everyone's anonymity. Only I know everybody else's weight and I'm not telling anyone.

The results are posted beside an anatomical chart on a wall in a room above a counter where cookies, cakes, cinnamon rolls, candy, chips and other snacks are kept. Each participant has contributed either $5 or $10 and the winner, after twelve weeks, confiscates the complete collection of contributed cash.

This week we posted our first weekly results.

The participants are know only as Agent 79, Agent 73, Agent 83, Agent 71, Agent 89, Agent 67, Agent 97 and Agent 61. These eight numbers form a very unique group. If any number is removed from this group and then replaced by some other number, the uniqueness that defines this group of eight numbers will be destroyed.

If any of the eight "Agents" is able to reveal what makes this particular group of eight numbers unique, I will add an additional $5 to the winner's prize.

CONVERTED TO INSULATIONISM

Last September, September 6th to be exact, we finally decided to do something about our skyrocketing energy costs. We bought some insulation for the attic and blew it in ourselves with a machine loaned free-of-charge simply for purchasing the insulation material from Lowe's.

The insulation cost us $227.40 and it took about three hours for Debra and I to complete the project.

The results of that project have been impressive.

Our heating bill in October was $160.00. "Comfort Level Amount Due" means that the utility company averages out monthly expenses and then bills you for that average amount.

Our heating bill in January had dropped from $160.00 to $139.00. That was after the coldest December we've had in the ten years I've lived here.

Our heating bill this month dropped again, this time to $119.00.

Not only has our heating bill been dropping consistently, but the utility company actually sent us a refund check in the mail today. Debra was excited at the amount. She was even more excited when we decided she can have it all.

I believe in insulation.

FREEZER FATALITY

It was sad.

A few years ago we bought a used freezer and it has served us well. But last week, Debra noticed that it did not seal after closing the door. It usually creates a vacuum suction when the door is closed. But last week it did not. And the food in the freezer began to soften. And the frost in the freezer began to melt.

So, today we took it to an appliance burial ground at the local dump.

Hopefully, we will be able to adopt another freezer soon.

For the past few years, our freezer has been a companion to our washer and dryer in the utility room.

Once dead, it was time to remove the freezer from its home in the corner.

The knick-knacky things were all removed.

The garage had to be prepared for transferring the freezer from the utility room to the back of the pickup.

First, Debra's car was backed out of the garage.

Then my pickup was backed up to the utility room door.

The freezer was then positioned at the door.

And it was dragged into the garage.

Working alone, I leaned the freezer onto the tailgate.

Then I shoved it onto the pickup bed.

Freezer ready to go.

As long as I was driving to the dump anyway, I added an old toilet to the load that had been waiting for a long time to catch a ride to the dump.

Driver, freezer and toilet ready to head to the dump.

Since I already had a weekend shopping list, I exercised good time management by incorporating a trip to the dump with a trip to the store.

Local dumping is done at a warehouse at Rogue Disposal and Recycling, shown here to the right of the "Do Not Pass" sign. The table rocks are seen in the background.

Getting closer.

Once at the dump, the table rocks are in clear view.

Our freezer, still lying flat in the back of the pickup, awaits its final resting place beside all the other dead appliances.

I bid one final fond farewell to our freezer and realize that God has many ways of telling his children to cut down on their ice cream consumption. This episode may very well be His way of speaking to me.

SWEETHEART SERENADE

For Valentine's Day, I made a two-and-a-half minute video for Debra.

To view it, click here.

HOW TO EMBARRASS YOUR SWEETHEART IN A GOOD WAY (PART 2)

Follow the same steps found in Part 1 but select a different love song such as, for example, “You Send Me”, recorded by Sam Cooke in 1957.

My version was a bit different than the one Sam Cooke performed on Dick Clark's American Bandstand.

Darling, you send me
I know you send me
Darling, you send me
Honest you do
Honest you do
Honest you do
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

You send me
I know you send me
Darling, you send me
To take out the trash
To vacuum the floor
To run to the store
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

You send me
I know you send me
Darling, you send me
To wash dirty plates
To wash all the clothes
To go make the bed
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

You send me
I know you send me
Darling, you send me
To swing by the bank
To fill up the tank
To buy some ice cream
To unplug the sink
To go make some coffee
But first grind the beans
To rake all the leaves
To sweep off the porch
To fold all the socks
To wipe off the stove
To answer the phone
To turn up the heat
To pull all the weeds
To lock all the doors
To warm up the car
To water the plants
To clean off the desk
To pick up a pizza
To mow the front lawn
To wash the windows
Honest you do
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

You send me
Honest you do

(Guitar chords available upon request)

The group dines before I sing my second serenade of the evening.

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The group listens.

Debra again functions as a human music stand while using her face to reveal embarrassment.

Sometimes tears of embarrassment must be wiped away in the middle of a song.

HOW TO EMBARRASS YOUR SWEETHEART IN A GOOD WAY (PART 1)

Step 1

Select a love song and change the words to make it personal.

Step 2

Sing it in front of a group of people.

Step 3

Have your sweetheart sit in front of the group with you, functioning as a human music stand, while you sing.

Getting ready to leave for the party.

That’s how to embarrass your sweetheart in a good way.

Tonight, Debra and I joined our church group for a Valentine’s Party, a “Mysterious Ways Dinner”, to be precise.

I was asked to kill some time during the event by providing a couple of humorous songs, customized for Debra, of course. The first one was “You Are the Sunshine of my Life”, recorded by Stevie Wonder. This song reached No. 1 on the Billboard Top 40 Hits in 1973. I changed the words a bit and, with Debra by my side, offered this serenade:

You are the sunshine of my life
Because you are my trophy wife
You are the apple of my eye
I am an old but lucky guy

I felt like this was the beginning
Of constant thrills for you and me
But now I find as I get older
I just don’t seem to have much energy

You are the sunshine of my life
Because you are my trophy wife
You are much younger than me
And you’re as pretty as can be

When we first met we’d go out dancing
We’d dance for hours and stay up late
But things have changed now that we’re older
We watch TV and go to bed by eight

You are the sunshine of my life
Because you are my trophy wife

(Guitar chords available upon request)

The crowd gathers.

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Debra and I are among the crowd.

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Before singing, I give a brief trivia quiz to the audience.

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Debra, my human music stand, holds up the music.



Yep. She's embarrassed. In a good way.

PHONE CALL FROM NAOMI

Tonight Debra and I went out to dinner and took in a movie. When we returned home, Ashley told me that Naomi had called and that she had left a message for me on the answering machine.

Ashley also said that it was sad.

So, I turned on the answering machine and this is what I heard:

Press the "play" tab below.

To view full screen on YouTube, click here.

A NEW BLOG IN THE FAMILY

Silas, our oldest grandson, started his own blog the other day. He's been thinking about it for a long time and finally took it online.

In June 2002, Silas wasn't quite ready to start his own blog.

Even in the strong arm of Papa, Silas still needed more time to start his own blog.

Eventually, Silas became ready.

With his mom's help, Silas has now touched cyberspace with his very own blog.


To view Silas' new blog

click here:

SIMPLY SILAS